Movies To Watch Before You Die

Obviously this isn’t a story about a sexual escapade, nor is it a random short story. Me being a film nerd, I thought I’d make a list of movies for you clowns to watch before you die. Keep in mind, some of these are foreign films, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least look them up and check out their reviews before you judge. Hell, most foreign films are better than the shit that Hollywood produces. Trust me, there are some amazing ones out there. The foreign films will be denoted with an asterisk (*). Stay open-minded.

Amadeus
This is actually my all-time favorite film, and it’s about Mozart and his life up until his death. It won best picture in 1984, and it has one of the best production and costume designs of any film ever made.

Apocalypse Now
Hands down the best war movie ever made. It’s about the Vietnam War, and it has some pretty intense scenes to say the least. Your parents have seen it, and you should see it too.

A Clockwork Orange
This is a pretty controversial film by arguably one of the best directors of all time in Stanley Kubrick. It’s about violence, more violence, sex, reform and Beethoven. Join the rest of the world and watch it as soon as humanly possible.

The Dark Crystal
I could try to describe what this one is about, but you just have to see it to understand. It’s a sci-fi/fantasy lover’s wet dream! I grew up watching this at my babysitter’s, and I’ve loved it since.

I Saw The Devil*
One of the most beautifully shot films I’ve ever seen, this Korean film is a tale of revenge. Not one of those that end in revenge, but that is the underlying theme in this one. It’s what happens after the initial revenge that makes this one completely fucking badass. If this film were made in America, it would never make it passed a studio executive, let alone into a movie theater. Just go watch it.

Let The Right One In*
This Swedish film combines adolescence and vampires, and it does it in a way that will make you forget that Hollywood almost ruined vampire films forever with that Twilight bullshit. This movie was the cause of the American remake called Let Me In. Don’t watch that one. Watch this one. There’s a reason why Hollywood tried to remake it, so go check it out.

Raging Bull
This boxing movie is my personal favorite from Martin Scorsese. Ya know, the guy who directed The Departed, Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Hugo, etc. It’s shot in black and white although it was made in 1980. I still think it’s the best boxing movie ever made, not to mention Robert De Niro gives one of his best performances ever on screen.

Trainspotting
Adapted from Irvine Welsh’s book, this movie is one that I watch literally over and over. It has heroin, Scottish accents, more heroin and an amazing soundtrack. Oh, and one of the coolest scenes involving a toilet that you’ll ever see.

Oldboy
This one is a cult classic. Also from Korea, it might be the #1 revenge movie of all time.  The twist at the end of this one will make your jaw drop.  Words describing this film don’t do it justice. Go see it for yourself.

2001: A Space Odyssey
This is another Stanley Kubrick film, and it’s definitely his best In terms of an overall film. It might seem boring or like it drags on too long, but that’s just because we’re used to watching fast-paced films with quick cuts, which is what Hollywood puts out today. It’s also the style of the filmmaker. A pretty trippy one here, and it will probably leave you asking. “what the fuck did I just watch?” But everyone needs to see this because it’s one of the best films to ever grace the big screen.

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Half A Condom Is Like No Condom

A few of my good friends went to Ball State in Indiana, so I would always party over there with them. It was a place with stupid Indiana chick, house parties and alcohol. It was paradise for me. 

One of my female friends always hung out with this really cute brunette girl. She was petite and pretty damn flirtatious. She was one of those that I always wanted to fuck, but I couldn’t because she always had her boyfriend with her every damn time I was around. But there was this one time…

My friends and I were pre-gaming at a house before we went to the bars. I knew she was coming over because my female friend called her. I knew she as going to be around all night. When she came over, she was with nothing but her girlfriends. No boyfriend in sight. Awesome. I didn’t ask questions because I don’t care, nor do I want to know the status of their relationship. I played it off like I could care less she was even there. I talked and flirted with her more when her boyfriend was around. The plan was to drive her nuts with this tactic.

At the bar, everyone in our group was pretty drunk. I was at the point where I was tipsy, but I definitely knew what was going on. She on the other hand, was a little closer to full-blown drunk. She had been sitting on my lap at the booth all night, laughing and putting her face up against mine. She was all over me to say the least. This girl didn’t smoke cigarettes, but when we were outside on the patio she would take a drag of my cigarette and then blow the smoke into my mouth and proceed to make out with me directly after. She was no longer shy. I remember her biting my ear and taking out my plug (gauged ear ring) with her teeth and showing it to me when it was in her mouth. That was actually pretty gross. No shame on her end.

I don’t remember whose Idea it was, but her and I decided to go back to her place. Of course I wanted to fuck her, but I was in no way taking advantage of an inebriated girl. She knew what she was doing. In fact, it was HER idea to stop by the gas station to buy some condoms.  After wandering around Muncie, Indiana for what seemed like an hour, we found the gas station near her apartment and I hurried inside to buy a 3-pack of random-ass lubricated condoms. Now back to her house.

We walk in and she goes straight to the kitchen, stumbling on her way to the refrigerator. She pulls out some ravioli looking stuff, throws it in a bowl and tosses it in the microwave. One minute. Done. It was one of my favorite memories watching this chick try to eat overcooked pasta covered in some kind of tomato-based sauce while she can’t seem to get the food to her mouth. Her fork to mouth coordination was definitely directly affected by the Long Island iced-teas she had earlier in the night.  After the late night snack, we went up the stair and into her room.

Clothes came off, her and then me. I picked her up and we fell onto the bed. Heavy kissing and licking lead to putting the first condom on. Now…I don’t remember word for word, but I’m pretty sure this girl liked to talk dirty to me as I fucked her. I remember bits and pieces. It was something like “Come on Chris! Show me how it’s done.” or something like that. I don’t really know what she meant I guess, but yeah. We fucked for so long that I remember going through all 3 condoms without ever finishing at all. After so long, either the condom or the snatch gets a little dry. It didn’t help that I was just drunk enough to last fucking forever, which at this point kind of annoyed the shit out of me. All 3 condoms on the floor and I still had yet to get off. Fuck! She grabbed me and asked if I could keep going. I told her I could, but I was out of condoms. She didn’t like that and made some pissed off grunt or whatever and fell back on the bed. I guess at this point I was desperate, so I did the first thing I could think of. I picked up one of the 3 used condoms from the floor and tried to put it back on my dick. If anyone out there has ever attempted this, they know that it is damn near impossible to put a used condom back on anything without it tearing. Condoms are meant to go on once and come off once.

After finagling with that fucker for a few minutes, I finally got it on. It didn’t look or feel right, but who cares because I was drunk and horny. Those two things are enough to make a guy do ANYTHING.

Those few minutes of break were all I needed I guess because this time around I could feel myself almost ready to get off. Sweet! I asked her where I should finish.

Her “In the condom!”

Ugh. Fine. A few more pumps and I was home free. Finally! I got off. That seemed like it took forever, but I felt better. I pulled out, looked down and saw one of most horrifying sights I’ve ever laid eyes on to this day. The condom was only covering half of my dick. The wrong half. The lower half. You know, the one that is closest to my body. That means that my (insert any euphemism for semen here) didn’t go inside the condom, it went inside HER! FUCK!

I didn’t say a word, and we both passed out shortly after. The next day I woke up, walked to my friend’s apartment and drove home. On the way home, I told my friends what had happened and my female friend told me that I needed to tell her as soon as fucking possible so she could buy plan B. I guess my dumb ass didn’t think she needed to know. Oops. So I texted her what happened and she agreed to go buy plan B. These are the next text messages I received from her:

Her “Wtf! These pills are expensive!”

Me “Yeah, sorry.”

She didn’t talk to me for about a year since those events, but has since re-added me on facebook and texted me a few times. She’s now in Medical School and we talk every now and then. She’s a keeper.

The Actress and The Dead Fish

In L.A., I met a lot of people strictly through student films that I’ve either worked on or directed myself.  This story in particular is about an actress I worked with on one of my student films, along with her black friend. Normally I don’t mention names, but this one is just too good not to brag about. The black girl’s name is Shulanda. Yeah, hard to beleive, right?

My roommate and I had nothing planned for the night so I called up the actress to see if she wanted to hangout. She was free and offered to bring a friend (Shulanda). Now, I had already banged the actress, so my plan was to scope out this black chick, and If I didn’t like her, I would just bang the actress again.

I picked the two of them up in Hollywood, and I couldn’t really tell what the black chick looked like in my backseat. It was nighttime and she’s black, so it was hard to see her physical features when looking in a rear view mirror. Racist? Probably.

We head back to our apartment and I can finally see this gargoyle in the light of the living room. Her face was average at best, but her body was just asking to be banged with no remorse.

The idea to get alcohol popped up, so we decided to make a run for the liquor store down the street. I hinted that my roommate and the actress go and leave myself and Shulanda behind. So it was just us two and after a few minutes we made our way into my room….then the bed. She was pretty quiet which is always annoying.  I took her clothes off and her boobs weren’t so great looking. Actually, I think my boobs were bigger and nicer looking, but whatever though.  After denying that I had a condom, we started fucking on my twin-sized bed.  She was one of those dead fish fucks. What that means is she didn’t make noise really whatsoever.  She just laid there like a dead fish.

At this point, I heard my roommate and the actress walk back into the living room from going to get alcohol. They knew we were in my room, so they took cue and went into my roommate’s room to to fuck. To each their own.

Meanwhile, back in my room….this chick was starting to piss me off.  She just lied there with her head arched back and her eyes rolled over and just took it. I don’t fancy myself the best at fucking on earth, but I’ve had my fair share of compliments and this chick looked like she was falling asleep on me. I said to hell with that. I nutted my load in her mouth or near it if I remember correctly. Never warned her either. That’s no fun. We put our clothes back on and met the other two in the living room.  Let me explain one thing first that will make you sort of understand and maybe justify what we did next; Guys have this sort of switch that turns on after they have sex and finish.  When they’re with random whores such as the ones we are with in this story, a guy doesn’t want to be around them anymore. They want them gone. Now. 

My roommate and I tried to get them to take the hint to leave, even though we picked them up and they had no ride.

Me “So….when are you guys leaving?”

Actress “What do you mean? You picked us up. Aren’t you gonna take us back?”

Me “Yeah, that’s probably not gonna happen.”

I can hear my roommate giggling from in the kitchen.

Actress “What the fuck? Come on, Shulanda let’s fucking leave. “

They walked outside and slammed the door. That was honestly WAY easier than I thought it was going to be. I went into my room to watch some t.v. when I heard those two bitches yelling at me through my bedroom window. I could see them hanging out right beside my car.

Actress “You guys are fucking assholes.”

I closed my window. I know, I’m an ass. It’s not like they couldn’t find a ride. I’m sure some dumb motherfucker would come pick them up. After about ten more minutes of hearing two bitches screaming through my glass window, the noise was finally gone. Sweet. Other than the sexual escapade, it was a pretty uneventful evening, so I went to sleep.

The next day, I awaken to 15 missed calls and some voicemails. All of which are from the actress bitch. God damn it. I listen to the voicemails and I’ll give you a mash-up of all four in one paragraph:

“You are a fucking asshole. We can’t find anyone to come get us and we’re walking  all the way back to Hollywood. This is seriously the shittiest thing anyone has ever done to me. Fuck you, Chris! You’re a piece of shit. We don’t want to take a cab but we will pay you $200 to come get us right now and take us home! (wtf?) Please just come get us.”

Now I didn’t hear these until the next morning, so everything was out of my hands at this point. Why in the fuck would she pay me $200 to come get her after we fucked them literally and figuratively. I’ll tell you why, because they are dumb whores, emphasis on dumb whores.  Believe it or not, the actress still talks to me to this day. Shulanda and I are friends on facebook, but I’m not about to hook up with that again. The moral of the story here is as follows: Girls are stupid sluts EVERYWHERE, not just in Ohio.

 

Only In Indiana

This blonde chick and I had been talking for a few days on facebook.  I could tell right away that she was a whore just by going through her profile pictures. Not to mention she sexted me a few mirror pics of her in her bra and underwear. Whore. You see, I live so close to the Ohio/Indiana border (about 10 minutes) that banging girls from Indiana is actually practical.  But it all evens out because most girls from Indiana are complete idiots.  Here are a few descriptions that will help you effectively picture an Indiana girl: pregnant, teen mother, pill-popper, unemployed, very unflattering facial piercings, no license (my least favorite), generally shady, unintelligent and there is always slutty (my favorite).  She invited me over to her house in Winchester, Indiana.  I was a shoe-in to get some.

I made the drive and when I walked into her house, I saw a crib in the living room. Fuck. Please be her roommate’s baby’s crib or something.  All of those hopes were laid to rest when she told me to be quiet because her son was sleeping. Right on. I don’t know why I was bummed about her being a MILF anyway. I mean, I wasn’t going to date this chick. Fuck that. That’s what I came here to do actually….fuck that. From there, we head down to her basement, which happens to be the home of some random dude. Apparently in Indiana, everyone lives in everyone else’s basement.  It was a little awkward to say the least.  The guy was rolling a blunt on the coffeetable as the MILF and I exchange glances.  She goes upstairs and leaves me alone with this dumbass. Part of me wanted to just leave and go home, but there was weed right in front of me and a dumb, slutty blonde upstairs. No guy in their right mind would drive home. Just as he was about to smoke it, my phone vibrated. A text. It’s from the slut upstairs.

“Come upstairs. I’m in my room.”

Those are the kind of texts that make guys smile from ear to ear or from six to midnight, however you want to look at it. I’ve always said that there are few things better than sex, but one of them is the feeling you get right before when you just KNOW you’re getting laid.

I walk upstairs to find a pitch-black living room with nothing but the fish aquarium light to help me guide my way.  I find a hallway and look around when I hear the MILF watching tv in one of the rooms.

MILF “I’m in here.”

Okay, okay, so she’s laying on her bed, watching tv and there is nowhere else to sit in this room. There is only bed. This is too easy. Obviously, I lay down beside her and engage in small talk.  I noticed the room decorated very oddly for a girl living there. Camo, knives on the wall, dark colors everywhere. 

Me “Why do you have knives on your wall?”

MILF “Those are my husband’s.”

Never put anything past an Indiana girl.

Me “Ummm….where is he.”

MILF “Jail”

Me “Oh. Okay. Where?”

MILF “Here in town. Actually the jail is just a few blocks from here.”

The only thing I could think about is some random guy jumping through the wind, beating the shit out of me, and stabbing me with one of the knives he uses for decoration on his wall. That isn’t very likely, but me having sex with this girl…now that is likely.

 

 

Apparently talking about her husband in jail turned her on because she turned family guy off and literally jumped on top of me.  I guess she likes to make the first move.

She took her clothes off very shortly after jumping on me and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw a pair of the nicest, small, perky boobs I’ve ever seen.  Good for you, mother of hopefully just one. This chick’s body was stupid good-looking, and I didn’t mind it at all. I switched to being on top and started slamming this broad.  I’m not one to talk about performance, but she seemed to be enjoying it very much.  Her boobs were annoyingly perfect. Everything about this chick’s body just screamed virgin, but I guess she just had good genes or some shit. Whatever.  So we continue fucking when I hear something from outside the door.

Voice “Mommy!”

God damn it. Yes, this chick’s son is now awake, crying, screaming for his mother and banging on the door to which his mother is being slammed out by a stranger on the other side. I kept going because there’s no way I’m stopping if she doesn’t stop.

Me” Is that your son?”

MILF ”Yeah, he just wants attention, he’ll go back to bed in a minute.”

I’ve been in a lot of unorthodox situations before, but this was a new one for me. So there I was, trying to focus on fucking this girl when I have her moaning in one ear and her 3 year-old crying and yelling in the other. Let’s just say it was a little bit uncomfortable. I’ve never tried so hard to block something out in my life. I just stared at those boobs and kept on going.

After what seemed like a half hour of knocking and screaming, she finally begged me to finish so she could go outside to tend to her son.  For being such a whore, she insisted that I finish on her boobs and not in her mouth, which is where I offered. I got off on those amazing tits, got dressed while she put her son to bed and then I left. We haven’t talked since. I think I was a booty call. I’m okay with that. Stay classy, Indiana.

Welcome to America

Los Angeles is a melting pot of random ethnicities.  Finding a woman there who was born and raised in California was pretty rare, for me at least.  Most of them were either mixed or had just straight moved to L.A. from another country.

This particular story is about a Turkish girl.  She spoke English, but it was terrible broken English.  I understood about 75% of what came out of her mouth, but then again I could care less what comes out of a woman’s mouth because all I could think about was what could go in. 

We had been texting for a few days and some sexual things had already been brought up.  This supplied the motivation to drive the 20 miles (at least 45mins in L.A. traffic) to go hangout with her.  After picking her up we went to the bar for some beers and mixed drinks.  She was boring and I couldn’t understand her sober, let alone after a few Long Island iced-teas.  All I knew was that she was relatively new to the United States and she had one of those foreign exchange host families to live with while she went to college here in the country. 

We left the bar what seemed like hours later and made our way back to my car.  I drove her back to her family’s house and we sat in the parked car for a few minutes.  After flirting with the naïve foreigner for a minute or so, she began unbuttoning my pants.  She lowered her head toward mine and started to suck my dick.  It was old-school passenger to driver’s seat dome while parked in a car.  It wasn’t long after that I realized she was absolutely terrible.  Turkish girls must never give blowjobs in their homeland because this was the worst.  It was one of those moments where I’d almost rather wished I was doing something else instead of getting a blowjob. Luckily for me, I can basically make myself finish at will.  It sounds like bullshit, but its just as much a mental release as it is physical.  It was then that she stopped, looked up at me and uttered some words in a Turkish accent that I’m pretty sure I deciphered into this.

Her “Don’t go in my mouth. I don’t like that.”

Me “Yeah, okay.”

I knew right then that I was going to finish right in this chick’s mouth or I was going to die trying. Make it happen. Make it happen. After about ten more minutes of atrocious sucking and slurping I finally got off. Right in her mouth! Score! And no, I didn’t give her a warning or so much as a tap or a moan. She had no clue what was “coming.” It was one of those proud asshole moments where I was just so pleased with myself. There was a solid 7 or 8 seconds of awkward when she surprisingly gulped down my load and wiped her mouth. She was not the least bit pleased about the situation.  As she opened the door and got out, she poked her head back in to say goodbye or something when I cut her off with quite possibly my favorite asshole line that has ever come out of my mouth.

Me “Welcome To America.”

She shut my door and went inside. Let’s just say we never hungout again.  America: 1 Turkey: 0  Beat that, Tucker Max.

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Revolving Door

I can only imagine the thoughts that go through the mind of my parents.  It seems like there is a new girl every other day that walks from the backdoor through the kitchen into the hallway that connects to my room.  I can recall a time when it was three different chicks in three different nights.  A few times there were multiple chicks per day.

It’s always the same too.  I know they’re coming in, so I walk out the backdoor to meet them outside.  We walk in, always me first, then when my parents look over to notice a stranger in their house, they usually say hello.  That’s when I do the habitual introductions of the whore to the parents and vice versa.  My parents have to know what I do.  I mean, the girls never leave until the next day, they’re very rarely ever seen in my house again and I never mention them ever again.  It was a lot less awkward when I lived in my apartment in Los Angeles.  My roommate never took his eyes off the T.V. or his mouth off the bong long enough to even notice a girl walk through the living room.  In terms of my parents, I guess it’s just one of those things that are better left unsaid.

Twice Is Not Enough

For personal reasons I’m not going to use the actual names of the females involved in these stories.  I don’t want to piss off anyone as of right now, and I don’t feel like getting sued for mentioning specific girls in the blowjob/sex stories that will soon infest this blog.  Here we go.

My male friend was having a big party at his house like he usually does around the weekend of the 4th of July.  There were all kinds of people form neighboring towns around the area at the party. I had my eye on this girl all night (that means I had envisioned having sex with her).  I’m not one to walk up and spit out some dumbass line hoping to get vagina. No, that’s not my style.

It was an hour or so later, and I had some liquid courage (busch light) in my system.  Some of us were outside in the parking lot smoking a cigarette when everyone else went back inside.  It was just this girl and myself now. She broke the silence with the typical “hey.”

I don’t remember much else of the conversation due to the fact that all I could do was picture my dick in her mouth. I wanted to know what the top of her head looked like.  She was from the next city over called Greenville, which was known for Annie Oakley and The Great Darke Count Fair.  To me it was known as a hotbed for douchebag guys and slutty girls.

I guess the conversation went well because the next thing I remember, we were making out behind a tall tree in my friend’s yard.  Making out is fun when you’re 14, but I was over it at that point.  I grabbed her hand and put in on my crotch.  She then proceeded to do what is music to every guy’s ears.  I heard my jeans unbutton and the zipper slide down to the bottom.  I swear it took her less time to get to her knees than it did to unzip my pants.  She was sucking and slurping like she had done it a thousand times before that.  I thank God for these types of girls.  The type of girl who probably hates her father and takes it out on him by whoring around priding herself on her fellatio giving abilities.   I never finished because some dumb motherfuckers walked over and we had to close up shop before we got caught.  I could honestly care less if I get caught getting a blowjob, but a girl is less inclined to continue with a sexual escapade if she gets caught in the act.  Girls are way too sensitive.

Later on in the night, everyone congregated to a party down the street. That was fine with me because this party was a mere 4 houses down from my house.  In a guys mind that means two things. 1. No matter how fucking lame this party is or how drunk I get, I can walk home no problem. 2. I can easily bring a girl home. These are in no particular order.  Like a true whore, she was back at it again. This time she was sucking me off as I lean against the back of my friend’s SUV.  Yes, she is now sucking me off in the gravel driveway of the house that’s hosting this party. Whore.  She had to stop again without getting me off because two people in the car parked next to us honked their horn.  Fuck! 

Later in the night, this girl’s friend, her and myself were all trying to figure out where we were staying.  I told them I lived thirty seconds away, so we walked to my house. We were outside my house when the two girls both looked at me.

Blowjob Girl “So where are we staying?”

I realized that her friend was slightly hotter, but I had to think quick.  I could either A. Make her friend sleep on my floor and try to fuck this girl, which made sense because she sucked me off twice earlier tonight. B. Get the Blowjob Girl to leave and try to fuck the hotter friend even though we hadn’t spoken more than ten words to each other all night. At this point a threesome didn’t seem doable. Sometimes you can just tell. I was a little salty about not finishing earlier so I went with a ballsy move. See what I did there?

Me “Well, I mean your car is only a few blocks or so.”

Blowjob Girl “Oh. Well how do I get there?”

Me “Just walk straight and turn left after two blocks. You’ll see it.”

Blowjob Girl “ Okay. See you guys.”

I could tell she was bummed, but regardless I took the hotter one inside, fucked her and never talked to the blowjob girl again.  Both of these girls were from Greenville.  I love when stereotypes turn out to be true.