Half A Condom Is Like No Condom

A few of my good friends went to Ball State in Indiana, so I would always party over there with them. It was a place with stupid Indiana chick, house parties and alcohol. It was paradise for me. 

One of my female friends always hung out with this really cute brunette girl. She was petite and pretty damn flirtatious. She was one of those that I always wanted to fuck, but I couldn’t because she always had her boyfriend with her every damn time I was around. But there was this one time…

My friends and I were pre-gaming at a house before we went to the bars. I knew she was coming over because my female friend called her. I knew she as going to be around all night. When she came over, she was with nothing but her girlfriends. No boyfriend in sight. Awesome. I didn’t ask questions because I don’t care, nor do I want to know the status of their relationship. I played it off like I could care less she was even there. I talked and flirted with her more when her boyfriend was around. The plan was to drive her nuts with this tactic.

At the bar, everyone in our group was pretty drunk. I was at the point where I was tipsy, but I definitely knew what was going on. She on the other hand, was a little closer to full-blown drunk. She had been sitting on my lap at the booth all night, laughing and putting her face up against mine. She was all over me to say the least. This girl didn’t smoke cigarettes, but when we were outside on the patio she would take a drag of my cigarette and then blow the smoke into my mouth and proceed to make out with me directly after. She was no longer shy. I remember her biting my ear and taking out my plug (gauged ear ring) with her teeth and showing it to me when it was in her mouth. That was actually pretty gross. No shame on her end.

I don’t remember whose Idea it was, but her and I decided to go back to her place. Of course I wanted to fuck her, but I was in no way taking advantage of an inebriated girl. She knew what she was doing. In fact, it was HER idea to stop by the gas station to buy some condoms.  After wandering around Muncie, Indiana for what seemed like an hour, we found the gas station near her apartment and I hurried inside to buy a 3-pack of random-ass lubricated condoms. Now back to her house.

We walk in and she goes straight to the kitchen, stumbling on her way to the refrigerator. She pulls out some ravioli looking stuff, throws it in a bowl and tosses it in the microwave. One minute. Done. It was one of my favorite memories watching this chick try to eat overcooked pasta covered in some kind of tomato-based sauce while she can’t seem to get the food to her mouth. Her fork to mouth coordination was definitely directly affected by the Long Island iced-teas she had earlier in the night.  After the late night snack, we went up the stair and into her room.

Clothes came off, her and then me. I picked her up and we fell onto the bed. Heavy kissing and licking lead to putting the first condom on. Now…I don’t remember word for word, but I’m pretty sure this girl liked to talk dirty to me as I fucked her. I remember bits and pieces. It was something like “Come on Chris! Show me how it’s done.” or something like that. I don’t really know what she meant I guess, but yeah. We fucked for so long that I remember going through all 3 condoms without ever finishing at all. After so long, either the condom or the snatch gets a little dry. It didn’t help that I was just drunk enough to last fucking forever, which at this point kind of annoyed the shit out of me. All 3 condoms on the floor and I still had yet to get off. Fuck! She grabbed me and asked if I could keep going. I told her I could, but I was out of condoms. She didn’t like that and made some pissed off grunt or whatever and fell back on the bed. I guess at this point I was desperate, so I did the first thing I could think of. I picked up one of the 3 used condoms from the floor and tried to put it back on my dick. If anyone out there has ever attempted this, they know that it is damn near impossible to put a used condom back on anything without it tearing. Condoms are meant to go on once and come off once.

After finagling with that fucker for a few minutes, I finally got it on. It didn’t look or feel right, but who cares because I was drunk and horny. Those two things are enough to make a guy do ANYTHING.

Those few minutes of break were all I needed I guess because this time around I could feel myself almost ready to get off. Sweet! I asked her where I should finish.

Her “In the condom!”

Ugh. Fine. A few more pumps and I was home free. Finally! I got off. That seemed like it took forever, but I felt better. I pulled out, looked down and saw one of most horrifying sights I’ve ever laid eyes on to this day. The condom was only covering half of my dick. The wrong half. The lower half. You know, the one that is closest to my body. That means that my (insert any euphemism for semen here) didn’t go inside the condom, it went inside HER! FUCK!

I didn’t say a word, and we both passed out shortly after. The next day I woke up, walked to my friend’s apartment and drove home. On the way home, I told my friends what had happened and my female friend told me that I needed to tell her as soon as fucking possible so she could buy plan B. I guess my dumb ass didn’t think she needed to know. Oops. So I texted her what happened and she agreed to go buy plan B. These are the next text messages I received from her:

Her “Wtf! These pills are expensive!”

Me “Yeah, sorry.”

She didn’t talk to me for about a year since those events, but has since re-added me on facebook and texted me a few times. She’s now in Medical School and we talk every now and then. She’s a keeper.

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One thought on “Half A Condom Is Like No Condom

  1. Pingback: Sonic’s Routines and Techniques | The Libra Chronicles

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