The Actress and The Dead Fish

In L.A., I met a lot of people strictly through student films that I’ve either worked on or directed myself.  This story in particular is about an actress I worked with on one of my student films, along with her black friend. Normally I don’t mention names, but this one is just too good not to brag about. The black girl’s name is Shulanda. Yeah, hard to beleive, right?

My roommate and I had nothing planned for the night so I called up the actress to see if she wanted to hangout. She was free and offered to bring a friend (Shulanda). Now, I had already banged the actress, so my plan was to scope out this black chick, and If I didn’t like her, I would just bang the actress again.

I picked the two of them up in Hollywood, and I couldn’t really tell what the black chick looked like in my backseat. It was nighttime and she’s black, so it was hard to see her physical features when looking in a rear view mirror. Racist? Probably.

We head back to our apartment and I can finally see this gargoyle in the light of the living room. Her face was average at best, but her body was just asking to be banged with no remorse.

The idea to get alcohol popped up, so we decided to make a run for the liquor store down the street. I hinted that my roommate and the actress go and leave myself and Shulanda behind. So it was just us two and after a few minutes we made our way into my room….then the bed. She was pretty quiet which is always annoying.  I took her clothes off and her boobs weren’t so great looking. Actually, I think my boobs were bigger and nicer looking, but whatever though.  After denying that I had a condom, we started fucking on my twin-sized bed.  She was one of those dead fish fucks. What that means is she didn’t make noise really whatsoever.  She just laid there like a dead fish.

At this point, I heard my roommate and the actress walk back into the living room from going to get alcohol. They knew we were in my room, so they took cue and went into my roommate’s room to to fuck. To each their own.

Meanwhile, back in my room….this chick was starting to piss me off.  She just lied there with her head arched back and her eyes rolled over and just took it. I don’t fancy myself the best at fucking on earth, but I’ve had my fair share of compliments and this chick looked like she was falling asleep on me. I said to hell with that. I nutted my load in her mouth or near it if I remember correctly. Never warned her either. That’s no fun. We put our clothes back on and met the other two in the living room.  Let me explain one thing first that will make you sort of understand and maybe justify what we did next; Guys have this sort of switch that turns on after they have sex and finish.  When they’re with random whores such as the ones we are with in this story, a guy doesn’t want to be around them anymore. They want them gone. Now. 

My roommate and I tried to get them to take the hint to leave, even though we picked them up and they had no ride.

Me “So….when are you guys leaving?”

Actress “What do you mean? You picked us up. Aren’t you gonna take us back?”

Me “Yeah, that’s probably not gonna happen.”

I can hear my roommate giggling from in the kitchen.

Actress “What the fuck? Come on, Shulanda let’s fucking leave. “

They walked outside and slammed the door. That was honestly WAY easier than I thought it was going to be. I went into my room to watch some t.v. when I heard those two bitches yelling at me through my bedroom window. I could see them hanging out right beside my car.

Actress “You guys are fucking assholes.”

I closed my window. I know, I’m an ass. It’s not like they couldn’t find a ride. I’m sure some dumb motherfucker would come pick them up. After about ten more minutes of hearing two bitches screaming through my glass window, the noise was finally gone. Sweet. Other than the sexual escapade, it was a pretty uneventful evening, so I went to sleep.

The next day, I awaken to 15 missed calls and some voicemails. All of which are from the actress bitch. God damn it. I listen to the voicemails and I’ll give you a mash-up of all four in one paragraph:

“You are a fucking asshole. We can’t find anyone to come get us and we’re walking  all the way back to Hollywood. This is seriously the shittiest thing anyone has ever done to me. Fuck you, Chris! You’re a piece of shit. We don’t want to take a cab but we will pay you $200 to come get us right now and take us home! (wtf?) Please just come get us.”

Now I didn’t hear these until the next morning, so everything was out of my hands at this point. Why in the fuck would she pay me $200 to come get her after we fucked them literally and figuratively. I’ll tell you why, because they are dumb whores, emphasis on dumb whores.  Believe it or not, the actress still talks to me to this day. Shulanda and I are friends on facebook, but I’m not about to hook up with that again. The moral of the story here is as follows: Girls are stupid sluts EVERYWHERE, not just in Ohio.



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